Yesterday and today…

have been long.  I work until 12:30 AM last night and I was back in the office by 6:45 AM today (although technically they are the same day).  But there is good news, the crisis was averted and the client is happy.  The bad news is that I have a TON of more project work coming.  It is going to take a real effort on my part to balance things out in life.  It is times like these where I normally let everything else slide except work.  I WILL NOT do it this time.  But I need to focus and make time for other things like exercise, sleep, sex (even if it is solo) and FUN.  So if anyone reading this has any suggestions or wants to help (especially with the sex part ) please feel free to comment or write me.

It is Friday.  Thank goodness.  I have dinner with friends tomorrow night at a great restaurant (Mark’s American Cuisine) and the Sunday is the Super Bowl.  I don’t much care who wins as long as the game and the commercials are good (and the food and drink too!!)

Learning more about what I want, and what I want to change.

It seems that I am always learning (or relearning) things about myself.  Sometimes I think it doesn’t really take a lot to make me happy.  Other times I wonder if I will ever be happy.  I am fortunate to have the job I have but many times I take it for granted.  I know that in previous relationships I have taken my SO for granted.  The strange thing is, I enjoy having a woman (or even women) in my life.  I am a very passionate person, sexually and just with others in general.  I love to please and to be pleased.  For too long I have tried to drown my passion.  After my divorce I was really depressed.  But I know that I can’t live my life fully while trying to block out an important part of who I am.  I don’t think I need a relationship right now as much as I want to have fun with someone and have that reciprocated in kind.

I ramble through all of this as I think about yesterday.  I have been emailing a very lovely lady blogger.  Our emails were mostly just getting to know each other and see what we have in common.  Last night though the emails turned into more teasing and flirting.  I loved it.  I know it sounds corny but I needed that.  I need to know that I can interest and excite someone as much as she does for me.  While my relationship with this lady will never be more than what we have online (for several very important reasons that I will not divulge here) what we did share was exciting, sensual, and FUN!  And FUN is what I need a lot more of in my life.  I suppose this is step one out of the rut.  I hope the other steps are just as enjoyable.

Why is it…

that I can find the energy and focus to work seemingly endless hours, but I won’t make the time to do things that are better for my overall well being?  Why do I think that coming into the office after 7 AM or leaving before 5 PM is slacking, but going to gym or taking a walk or eating a good, well balanced meal is just as important?  I am continually stuck in a rut.  I get out of it now and then but not for longer than a few weeks.  Why is the job more important that my well being?  I do this to myself and I want to work myself of out of this.  I have vowed to work less and have more fun.  However, words are easy and actions are hard.  So here is my plan of attack to get my life back:

1. Use this blog as a sounding board to make sure I am not so one sided in my day to day life.

2. Exercise more and reduce stress.

3.  Let myself have fun more often.

4. Release the sexual tension that permeates my mind and body.   This includes exploring fantasies.  I have a lot of those to explore too.

5. Above all, be honest with myself and others about who I am and where I am in life.

6. To be more forthright in asking for what I want in life.  Too often I let this one go.  Way too often.

There will be a lot more to follow.  I want to note that I wrote this on a break at the office and I feel good about that. *L*

An inital thought

Why am I doing this?  Why write a blog?  Perhaps it will be therapeutic. Maybe it will help me sort out why I am the person I am now.  I have so much to be thankful for and yet I still feel so unfulfilled.  I crave certain things in life (sexual mostly) that never seem to be sated.  I want to explore all areas of who I am, who I want to become, fantasies and realities, memories and hopes for the future.  I will write more this week and see where this takes me.